times infinity

I wish you could hear me.
We’re doing all the things we couldn’t do when we were together.
We’re better apart.
You brought out the cynic in me and you became even more of a pessimist because of me.
But I really miss my best friend and it’s difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that we’re others.
Everything we hoped for each other is happening now that we’re apart.
I know it’s best this way, and I’m really happy, but I miss you.
I wish you knew.

2.20.12

theclassychoice:

I let it wash over my skin, through my chest, and have it dwell underneath my turbulent core. So maybe falling out of love is like going under an ocean wave.

& I never did learn how to swim. 

First Fight

For the last few weeks, I’ve been seeing someone new. Cyrus and I just left things the way they were and never had a talk about anything - a relief to me. Anyway, this new guy I’ve been seeing is extremely large, smart, accomplished, and Korean/American. This translates to me as very intimidating and challenging. He’s also more than 10 years older than me. 

Although it’s only been exactly 3 weeks since we first met, I’ve already had many firsts.

For example, yesterday we had our first argument.

I’ve been apartment hunting in Los Angeles since yesterday, and I have a long list of vacancy listings to check out. I told John (that’s his name) about the places and he wanted me to list the addresses during lunch. Every address I named was a “no” for him. I told him about the amazing apartment I just came back from and he said, “No, definitely not. You don’t want to live there.” He wouldn’t even listen to why I liked it… “tree-lined street, secluded, large community, gym, swimming pool and jacuzzi….” He just kept saying no and said that he’s been living in the area for over 2 years and that he knows these streets like the back of his hand. 

Anyway, I got annoyed and just kept asking, “why not?” Then, he just lost it and said, “You want my help, and I gave you advice, but you’re not even going to take it. Do what you want. Just figure it out yourself.” Then he grew silent as several knots started to form and squeeze my stomach. Our food came, but I couldn’t swallow a morsel. He was still silent and looking away to the television behind me.

“This is all too familiar,” I thought. Kelvin used to do this…

The silence was unbearable even for a couple minutes, so I broke the silence, “I can’t eat right now because you’re making me feel nervous and afraid. I’m sorry that I’m having trouble taking your advice. I’m not familiar with the area, so I’m just curious about which streets are better than others and why. It’s also hard for me to be told what’s best for me and what I should do. I do appreciate your help.” 

A few moments later, “Eat, you need to eat. We’ll go to a cafe after lunch and cross out all the dangerous areas.”

I felt so relieved, but still bothered. 

After lunch we did go to a cafe, and he crossed out more than half of my list, but it was good to narrow my search.

Later, I dropped him off at his apartment and we hugged and kissed goodbye, but I still had an uneasy, bothered feeling. I’m still hurt that he yelled at me… I’m still bothered that we just left things like that. 

When I drove back home a few hours later after a few more apartment viewings, I had a long conversation over the phone with Kathryn. I told her what was bothering me and that this situation was too reminiscent of what I went through with Kelvin on a regular basis. “You can’t handle that Jane,” she said. She was right. During our conversation, John called and I had to call Kathryn back after.

His voice was livelier than earlier.

Him: “Where are you?”

Me: “I’m driving back home.”

Him: “Alright well drive safe and have a good night.”

I called Kathryn back and we were talking again when John called again minutes later.

He sounded more serious this time.

“Hey, I just want to apologize about earlier. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I should have handled the situation better, and I didn’t”

I felt so much relief and shock. No one had ever called back first and apologized, EVER before. I had asked and begged Kelvin for five damn years for apologies every time we fought or I was hurt. He never did willingly. I would have to start crying and begging for a simple, “I’m sorry” EVERY TIME. John’s apology hit me so hard and I felt so overwhelmed with relief and affection that I said some really awkward things… words just stumbled out of my mouth in stutters and incomplete sentences.

Me: “You’re so sweet. I’m uh, thank you. Thank you so much for bringing it up first. I was still bothered, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. Um, you’re so attractive right now. Uh hahahaha.”

Him: “Okay, haha. Well yeah just drive safe and yeah.”

Me: “HAHAHA, it’s so awkward, like you’re trying to go back to being manly and changing the subject.”

Him: “What?”

Me: “Uhhh nevermind, okay well thank you. Hope you have a good night and have fun with your friends.”

I called Kathryn back and I told her the good news, John apologized without me even having to bring it up and let him know that I was hurt. He was intuitive enough to know that he had been too harsh! Amazing… just incredible. 

This is an amazing first for me. I’m still elated a few days later.

The Bear

Here are the juicy details about my latest squeeze, John Choi or as I call him Bear Choi.

The reasons I call him Bear are because he is very large in height and width, he grows hair and a lot of it everywhere (his sisters used to chant, “John has hair, everywhere!”), and because he’s insatiable.

Our first experience…

He pinned me to his kitchen wall and kissed me forcefully. 

As he carried me to the couch…

I asked, “Why are you so forceful and horny?”

“You are too.”

“No I’m not”

He laid me down and continued to kiss me with his large arm snaked around my body and his hand supporting my neck. I was resistant at first but slowly gave in, knowing that I wanted it too. He started to unbutton my blouse and reached in to cup my breast. Uncovering my breast, he kneaded the flesh occasionally pricking my nipple. His mouth made its way down and enveloped my small chest. It felt nice and warm as I closed my eyes and let my body go into submission.

With his mouth still suckling my breasts, he reached down and pulled my panties off. His fingers crawled around and found a rhythm - one finger rubbing and two sliding in and out. He was perfectly in tune. Eventually his mouth replaced his hand and the experience became even more grand. He used a combination of tongue and finger to almost set me off the edge.

Before I veered out of control, we relocated to his bedroom where we began a session of 69. It was sensational and then he gave me some tips on oral which were helpful, but I enjoy giving so the endurance part wasn’t really an issue. John turned out to be really creative with positions, so we tried many. Most were new to me and I think they were possible because he’s so strong. 

The newest for me was the Slow Dance. My first time seeing this position was as a child watching Jerry Maguire. It looked so sexy, and I’ve always wanted to try it.

John picked me up and told me to wrap my arms around his neck tight. He pulled my legs up with his arms under them and hands laced behind my lower back. He entered slowly at first and picked up the pace as my body bounced atop his. He covered my mouth with his to muffle my moaning and it was extremely sensual and aggressive at the same time - very exciting. It felt nice to have him guide me and direct our movements with his strength and control. It’s exactly what I had been desiring - someone with more experience, someone to guide me.

I came once during the Bermuda Triangle and I can’t really remember how he finished. However, I do know that we had sex a second time about 10-15 minutes after the first session. He really is insatiable and we usually have about 2 sessions.

He’s been a great partner and has taught me a lot already. It was really hard to be away for a week on my business trip. After I got back we caught up, but a few days later I started my period. The day I started my period, he made me give him oral, “You’ve been away for too long. Give me some lovin’,” he said. When I was giving head, he tried to reach down to my privates, when I stopped him and said I had started and he said, “Oh, you were serious? Darn.” As I continued he started talking dirty, but it wasn’t too extensive thankfully. The extent was, “You like making me cum baby?” AHAHAHAHAHAHA. It’s still pretty embarrassing when I type it or say it out loud.

Since I am FINALLY off my period, I am excited to get some tonight! I actually shaved my legs for once. I’ll let you know how it goes. 

Naked

Naked, you are simple as a hand,
smooth, earthy, small…transparent, round.
You have moon lines and apple paths;
Naked, you are slender as the wheat.

Naked, Cuban blue midnight is your color,
Naked, I trace the stars and vines in your hair;
Naked, you are spacious and yellow
As a summer’s wholeness in a golden church.

Naked, you are tiny as your fingernail;
Subtle and curved in the rose-colored dawn
And you withdraw to the underground world

As if down a long tunnel of clothing and of chores:
your clear light dims, gets dressed, drops its leaves,
And becomes a naked hand again.

-pablo neruda